Things I learn from Michael

*proceed with caution*
Well a couple weeks ago I learned what the Fleshjack is. Last week was a terrible story involving fecal matter (I'm still not over the mental image). And today (*while sipping on my Jamba Juice with a straw*) Michael described to me in great detail what Shrimping is. Read #3. INappropriate.

This has GOT to be Michael as a kid!

Your annoying

So I'll admit it- I'm not perfect (I know-its hard to believe). But I HATE it when people can't distinguish between "Your" and "You're." Its to the point where if I see someone do it on their Facebook status, I seriously ponder removing them. I grew up going to a French Immersion school, so I like to pretend that I never really even learned English properly. I was too busy learning that a computer is masculine, and that mice are feminine. I mean is it really necessary to give every object/thing a gender? Anyways, when I wasn't learning French I was learning Canadian. MUCH different than American with their "colour" and "eh?" and "what's that aboot?"
Just today I have already run into two different instances where my Canadian speech impediment came into play. First of all, while unpacking the new office, I was asking where the "cutlery" was. When I say cutlery, I don't just mean the knives. I mean all types of "flatware" or "silverware," whatever you people call it. After 13 years here, I still can't seem to get that one down. A short while later, I was then exploring the Dunkin Donuts downstairs where I was talking about getting a "French Crueller" pronouncing it like "crewler". Apparently I was WAY off and its pronounced "cruhller". Michael and I were arguing over it and the Dunkin lady totally put me in my place.
Long story short, if I can learn the difference between "your" and "you're," you can too.

(Thanks Michael)

New favorite blog

In case you have a lot of time on your hands, you may want to check out this fantastic new blog from one of my favorites. I eagerly await her CD release so that me and Michael have something to sing together at work.
(Thanks Michael K)

Word up to the gays!

Fight the hate with love! I think we all know by now that my life would be a lot less hilarious without the gays. I wouldn't know how to keep from falling in the shower. I wouldn't know how to dance like Sasha Fierce. I wouldn't be so BLINDSIDED when the gays come out. I'm sure Michael would have called off today, but the whole "volunteer" aspect of this day probably will force him into work. I leave you with another amazing video and probably one of my favorites. "Kiki STOP! You're YESSING TOO HARD!"

Christmas decorations and I do not get along

Here's the thing with Christmas decorations, or any decorations really. I enjoy them. They are nice to look at (assuming they're not hideously tacky ones). HOWEVER, I do not enjoy putting up decorations or taking them down. So much so, that I would rather just look at other peoples decorations rather than put up my own. And I realized why I hate putting them up (aside from the fact that its physical labor)- its because I suck at it. I spent a good 2 hours today putting up decorations at work. It was just me, heaving and huffing and climbing ladders in my Uggs to string up a few strands of Christmas lights. Meanwhile, everyone else is sitting at their desk criticizing my every attempt at making them look right.

Michael (In his nasally gay voice): "JKrack, whats with the garland? Its like you ran out of lights and there's an extra foot just sitting there. AND FYI- you look morbidly obese."

Bethany (In her high pitched south side accent): "Uhhhmm JKrack... that looks TERRIBLE. I'm glad I'm Jewish."

Brandon (In his astonishingly deep voice): "Uhh yeah, why are you putting tinsel on the ficus?"

Sierra: "Actually, if you fall- our disability is %100."

EVERYONE: "WHERE ARE OUR CANDY CANES!! GO GET CANDY CANES!"

This is why I LOVE Intervention

Sometimes I wonder why I watch so much reality TV. Actually no I don't, I know EXACTLY why I watch so much- its hilarious and sometimes disturbing. For instance, this little video below gave me, Michael and Bethany a whole week of discussions and impersonations. This season of Intervention hasn't been that great, except for this little nugget. Its actually really disturbing, but once you get past that its hilarious. And I will never look at compressed air in the same way ever again.

Facebook TMI

I. LOVE. FACEBOOK. It is hilarious. My favorite thing is seeing how much information people put up about themselves. I'm all for sharing WAY too much info, but it'll eventually bite you in the ass. Although, with the recent election I almost couldn't handle everyone's annoying status updates. Even if I could vote, but didn't want to- you telling me via Facebook status to vote wouldn't exactly motivate me to do it.

The real exciting updates is the "relationship status." God forbid you have a breakup, the entire world knows ASAP. And you can totally tell who changed their Facebook relationship status first. And then there are those people (my favorite) who give you their whole breakup story in their "about me" section. I LIVE for this stuff, not only do I now know that you broke up, but I get the details as well. I guess the story gets to a wider audience so you don't have to re tell the story a million times, but then random people like me get all the gory deets.

However, my big pet peeve about Facebook are those stupid applications. Michael (because he's elderly and has no life) is usually sending me something about keeping the environment green. I will not add those to my profile, they make my immaculate and witty profile look cheap. And I'm not the only one who hates them. There are multiple groups dedicated to hating these applications.

There is a Facebook group titled "No, I'm not going to accept your Application invitation. Fuck you." They have a list of reasons why not to accept application invites which I find thoroughly amusing!

1. No, retard, your "Save Darfur" cause isn't going to do SHIT for that country. Grow up.

2. Bitch, I don't want to know what movies you want to see, I still haven't seen The Departed.

3. Fortune cookie...um,ya...i'm s000 hxc azn.

4. Why the HELL would I want the option for someone to "Spank" me? Like...why?

5. Again, I really don't care what music you like, I already read that in your profile, fuckin' emo.

6. While we're on the subject, why do I want to see which applications ppl uploaded in Newsfeed?!

7. Traxor? Are you kidding me? Like I want ppl to know I've seen their profile, much less the creepers that look at mine 10x a day? Ignorance is bliss.

8. Yes, that's EXACTLY what I want: a Top Friends application. I liked MySpace so much that I wanted to make my facebook exactly the same. Imma change my profile pic to Tom.

9. Food Fight? Spend your daily lunch money to throw food at ur friends? This is like Warcraft for 3 year olds. It's honestly sad, it isn't funny.

10. (fluff)Friends. Seriously. If you really have a Tamagotchi on your fucking facebook, you need to go out and meet people.

11. Last time I checked, I WASN'T bitten by a vampire OR a werewolf OR a zombie. So stop lying to me.

12. Honestly pirates are awesome, but your facebook doesn't make you a pirate, quit being a douche.

13. Greek Family Tree. Because frats and sororities weren't annoying enough, now they invade my happy little facebook world.

14. Poo Fight. Enough said.

15. Are You Normal? Um...are you serious?

16. Date of Death Calculator. Lemme guess, if I don't join some little girl with no eyes will come kill me in my sleep. Well, I got somethin' for her ass...

17. Reputation. Here's a hint: YOU'RE A LOSER!

18. My Music: Fucker, it's called "my" as in YOUR music for a reason. Let's keep it that way.

19. Perfect Match: My perfect match is a chick who swallows and doesn't talk. I don't need this application, thanks.

20. What Color Are You? I'm white, bitch, thanks. Although from time to time I feel very black. Tell me something I don't know.

21. What City Should You Live In? Whatever the capital of Antarctica is, THAT'S where you should go.

22. Sneakers. They aren't even REAL, get a job or something dumbass.

23. How Old Are You? i don't know about you but i dont need a facebook application to tell me how the fuck old i am

24. What Type of Person Do You Attract?: Creepy gay dudes on MySpace that try and convince me that getting dome from a dude is "so much better than a chick", thanks for reminding me.

Ha!

Starbucks is never to be trusted...

Bethany just got her wallet stolen at the Starbucks across the street! This is actually the worst Starbucks ever (although I still manage to end up there a few times a week...whatevs). Bethany was headed over there for a meeting, and Michael and I decided to tag along. It actually took us almost 20 minutes to get 2 drinks... I mean really?

So, soon after we left, Bethany felt some shenanigans going on in her coat pocket. She turned around to see some giant dude bolting out the door with her wallet! The girl Bethany was with ran after the guy and Bethany grabbed the chick that was with him. The chick (who apparently had gold teeth...) elbowed Bethany and ran off. Meanwhile, the dude had gotten into a car that was waiting for him! SNEAKY BASTARDS!

I am NEVER going there again. At least not until I have a serious caffeine craving...so probably tomorrow :(

There is a silver lining to this awful Starbucks- the lady with the mustache. She is awesome and most orders with her go as follows:

"Hi, can I please get a venti coffee?"

"GIRL, whatchu wanna mocha frappuccino?!"

"...no just a venti coffee."

"Whats that?! A mango vivano with ice??!"

"Nope. Just a venti coffee please..."

"Oooo girl I gotcha! SHEILA! Can I get a tall carmel macchiato?!"

We LOVES her.

My Growing Celebrity Status

As you can probably tell, I changed my URL to maintain strict anonymity. Because that's how important I am. When the UN calls and offers me a job, I can't have them know about my food addictions and sarcastic bad 'tude.





I will now introduce you to Michael because I will probably refer to him a lot (when he's on my good side- which varies between 3% to 10% of the time). And since he needs a lot of attention I will be FORCED to write about him and how hilarious and wonderful he is. He works right behind me...he is my assistant. In this picture Michael is doing "prune". For those of you who don't read Dlisted, Michael K (the Dlisted blogger) says the Olsen twins always say "prune" when posing to make their lips plumper. So now this is a daily occurrence in our lives, practicing prune.