Now I really want to go

This is basically what I would do for BSpears tickets for tonight.

Bottles of waTer

Since I spend most of my days watching either Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Chelsea Lately, this video put my two loves together. I love Khloe, and have no idea what Kourtney does or who she is, but her gay face boyfriend is hot.

Wonky boobs

Even more reason for me to hate her.
(Dlisted)

Francois!

This is hilarious!

What I learned on Oprah yesterday

So yesterday Oprah had the "Stars of Country" on her show.
Now I know ill be judged for this, but I had NO idea that:

A) Hootie and the Blowfish was considered country.

B) That the lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish is NOT, in fact, named Hootie.

And that C) he is black.

Every time I pictured Hootie and the Blowfish in my mind, I'm fairly sure that I pictured The Counting Crows. And I've heard the name Darius Rucker but I had no clue who that was. Yeah, I know- I'm an idiot.

Meanwhile- can someone please explain to me the obsession that is Kenny Chesney? I enjoy his music and everything. However, not only is he maybe 4'8", but does it bother anyone else that the man is like deathly afraid of taking off his hat? He was hugging the crazy fans on Oprah while doing the reach around to hold his hat on. Who cares that you're bald under there? I'm one windy day away from being bald myself. Man up, Kenny.

What a dumbass

So, I know I said that I quit The Hills but unfortunately last night there was nothing else on. This clip of Stephanie Pratt basically made my night, and I now feel like the most brilliant person ever. "Yaaaaahhhh my goal in life is to design hand baaggsss. Braaannnding haaandbaaags." STFU Stephanie Pratt, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU (except for me, apparently). This is only a short clip of it because Kelly Cutrone went on to talk to her in French while Stephanie just stared at her blankly and Kelly had to double check if she did, in fact, speak French. And PS, is there any reason why Kelly Cutrone chooses to be the most hideous person ever? While I enjoy her bitchiness, a little teeth bleaching never hurt anyone.

I am DYING right now

The Frills 3.0 from Jimmy DiPasquale on Vimeo.
(Thanks Sam Ronson...I mean Rachel!)

I may actually be famous

So my friend George sent me this picture that he made for his first annual PedCrawl. Apparently he took this picture of me in college sometime. I can't quite remember when, because yes I still have both that sweater and the awful hat. George started a company called Shirt and Simple, which basically takes any hassle out of designing, ordering, collecting payment and distributing large quantities of tshirts, i.e. perfect for bar crawls. God I miss Iowa City. George is brilliant, although I am STILL waiting for the premiere of his horror movie that I was an actress in. That could be some of the best acting that I have ever seen.

The latest happenings

• I've decided to quit my gym. We all know how much I hate that place and ever since the last incident there, I've managed to hate that place even more. I just don't feel like dropping another $650 for the year on a place that I actually loathe- its a recession people. Since they can't seem to get rid of the masses of people, the douche bags and the severely anorexic girl- I'm over Xsport forever. I have decided instead that I will go back to basics and run outside, and eat healthy. We'll see how long this idea lasts.
• In addition to quitting my gym, I am also quitting The Hills. I am permanently going to remove it from my DVR. I have officially had it with Spencer's greasy Care Bear face, Heidi's horse head and awkwardness, and Lauren being boring. To accommodate the space on my DVR, I will be recording Real Housewives of New Jersey. I had plans to boycott this show because I despise all things Jersey. BUT I tried that last time with Real Housewives of Atlanta, and I couldn't resist the trash. And RHNJ is way more incestuous which intrigues me, half of them are related somehow.
• Move update! So remember that post about how stressed I was to find a new place to live for May? Well I think it might have been that same day that we found a place! We were coming back from looking at one place in Lincoln Park when Carrie made several wrong turns. I think she may have been drunk, but that's neither here nor there. Luckily, for her drunk driving, we ended up going down our alley a different way. I saw a "For Rent" sign on the door that was listing a 2 bedroom. I called and the guy was in the apt, finishing up the entire new kitchen and bathroom. We LOVED it immediately. It was cheaper than we're each paying now, it allowed dogs, AND the kicker is that its literally 20ft from where we live now. Oh and we get the keys this weekend, a couple weeks ahead of our lease so we can start moving in. The only issue is that one bedroom has an obscenely small closet. So we now need to figure out some kind of pricing schematic, and then "draw straws" or flip a coin, who knows. Battle to the death.
• I love Carey Hart. Ever since his little tattoo show, Inked- I've loved him. He was on Chelsea Lately last night and it reminded me about our deep love. I thought that there was hope when him and Pink broke up (even though she would probably cut a bitch who gets near him) but they're "working things out" apparently.
• My one normal pair of sunglasses have managed to piss me off. They're too big to stay on my deformed head/face. So today I was so fed up that I decided to wear this pair from my Halloween costume as Rachel Zoe. I told myself that they're trendy, and sashayed out of my apartment with elegance. Cut to five minutes later when there is a girl BLATANTLY staring at my glasses and laughing at me. Not kidding. I slyly took them off, acting as though the sun glaring into my eyes wasn't bothering me. What a loser.
• UGH I just spilled coffee in my lap. That's my cue.

Awkward moment of the day

Called ComEd to change our service...

"Hello this is Sylvia at ComEd, how can I help you?"
(while taking the phone off of speaker, I don't hear her correctly and I SWEAR that she is speaking Spanish...)
"Uhhh yeah hi... do you speak English?"
"...Yes, this is Sylvia at ComEd, how can I help you?" In the clearest english possible.
"Oh sorry, haha. I was picking up the phone and didn't hear you...ha" I then start laughing at myself, while trying to choke out the words. Sylvia thinks I'm crazy...and racist.

Sexy Blog

That's Sassy tagged me with a sexy blog award! Holllerrr!

Ok so now I have to list 5 sexy things about me:

1) I used to do a really sexy velociraptor impression

2) I have these gold flats that I think are awesome and sexy, yet no one likes them

3) In middle school I had a little hair clip fetish... And how isn't that sexy? The few friends that I managed to keep since those days, still make fun of me for it

4) I could not have been sexier while I was 15 pounds overweight and in a belly dancing show at Club Med

5) Everyone thinks my bow legs are sexy. Duh.

Tagging:

She really is Lovesfool

The Secret Weapon

The Colorado Desert

French Kiss

Attempts at Adventures

Cheetah girls

Eileen sent us this picture this morning and it made my day. This is an actual house in Chicago that she luckily doesn't have to sell, but was unfortunate enough to drive by this morning.

ARE you kidding me?

Bacon overload

Since 2 people have sent me this today, I had better post it:

Vilhelm Lillefläsk’s Squeez Bacon® is fully cooked 100% bacon. Due to the patented electro-mechanical process by which Squeez Bacon® is rendered, it requires no preservatives or other additives. Each serving is as healthy as real bacon, and equivalent to 4 premium slices of bacon! You can put it on sandwiches, pizza, pastas, bacon, soups, pies, eat it hot or cold (warm Squeez Bacon® on toasted rye is to die for), substitute it for bacon in your recipes, or even eat it right out of the tube like we do! If it’s edible, it’s better with Squeez Bacon®.

Its actually everything that I've ever dreamed of. Do you think they have a travel size?

(Thanks Lauren and Michael!)

And then there's this little number: Why is this on Failblog?? I don't see the problem. (Thanks Suzanne!)

I expect rainbows coming out of a vat of bacon...

(Thanks Eileen!)