Uhmmm No.

So I finally caught up on all my shows the other night, including Top Chef. NO. I'm over this show, they are terrible. Hosea? Really? Not only did I have to shield my eyes from his snaggle teeth, but he just wasn't that great of a chef! wtf? I wanted Fabio to win, he was so cute with his little accent that he totally milked. Then today I read this:

Last week, when the Bravo reality show hit West Village hot spot Ma- dame X, contestants Leah Cohen and Hosea Rosenberg were passionately making out at the bar. "They were really going at it," a bartender told us. (NYP)

NO. Gross. I'm quitting this show.

Another one that didn't work out!

Nooooooo!!! How did this happen?! Jason Wahler, the sweetest gem from the Hills, and Katja (who knows/cares who she is?) have broken off their engagement. But she was there for him while he was in rehab! She "made him a better man"! You know Lauren is totally shocked by this latest move. Man, what a week!
(Us)

HOW did this not work out?!

What happened?! Did his lisp finally annoy the shit out of her? Or did her laugh drive him away? Either way, how devastating is this?
(Us)

Its about that time of year...

I'm sure most of you know the feeling that I have right around this time of year. Its still balls cold outside- and there's no warmth in sight, the holidays and new year is over, you have taxes to do (and by that I mean that I made Eileen do it, but still stressed over it nonetheless). February is just sort of blah, and that whole new years resolution about not letting people annoy me is starting to fade...
Since the beginning of the new year, I have actually had a lot going on work-related and non work-related. I tend to get depressed in the winter, but luckily I've had enough going on to distract me. But it seems like things have finally calmed down and I can concentrate on bigger and better things.
Anyways, in these times I like to find inspirational quotes...because that's productive. I LOVE quotable cards and here are a couple I found that I really like.

Well this isn't good

Apparently a plane originating out of Turkey, crashed at the Schiphol airport in Amsterdam. 9 people are confirmed dead and at least 25-50 people have been injured. I have family near Schiphol so I hope that everyone is ok!
(CNN)

I know I'm MIA

I don't care what you say, I love it.

Hollerrrrrrr!

I am for sure getting a weave now.

Kitchen Lunch Club Discussion

We just found out that a coworker's wife is pregnant and this is the conversation that followed:

Michael: Now what position were you in when you conceived?
Jay: Uhmm
Dave: How do you feel about circumcision?
Jay: Uhmm. Yes.
Michael: But what if he wants to get into porn?!
Me: Now, was this planned? Or not planned?
Jay: It wasn't not planned...
Michael: Are you worried that she'll poop giving birth?
Jay: No, how do you think he was conceived?
Michael: Will you name him Ruttiger?
Jay: Yes...
Me: Does she want to have a natural birth?
Jay: No, but I'm saying that I do, just to fuck with her.
Michael: What if the baby is born with both gentalia?
Jay: As long as its healthy...
Brad: Jay do you want to go have that "meeting?"
Jay: No its ok, let them get it out of their systems now or they'll just do it tomorrow...but they'll be drunk and then forget that they asked all the questions.

An actual dream come true!

Remember when I posted about my obsession with poutine?! Well this shit has bacon on it! Amazing.
(This is why you're Fat)

Congratulations!

I have to give a big shout out to Eileen and Zack who got engaged on Valentine's day!!! Eileen is one of my oldest friends- starting waaaay back in the good old High School track and field days, and we are now roomies. Congrats to the both of them and I am so excited for them to start their life together!!!
Such elegant beasts back in '98

Bon Qui Qui- aka my new best friend

"SECURITY!"

Happy V Day from Bruise!

Pepperoni Tony

Michael Scott: Who have I wronged? Who have I, wronged. Oh! Oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford I insulted. We should find him.
Pam Beesly: You mean Tony?
Michael Scott: Jabba the Hut, Pizza the Hut, fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza-- pepperoni Tony!
Pam Beesly: Oh Michael.
Michael Scott: Man was he fat. So, sooo ffffat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him I would never be able to apologize to him. [beat] Too fat. Big fat fatty.

Totally.

This is not funny. And by that I mean don't hit me with an umbrella-ella-ella.

(Via Jossip)

LOL

Awkward scenario of the week

So I go down to Dunkin' Donuts to grab myself a latte and a bagel. I only bring down $5 because nothing at Dunkin' should EVER cost more than that. Well APPARENTLY a latte and a bagel with cream cheese is $5.33. So I stare at her awkwardly and say "oh...can you take off the cream cheese then...I only have $5..." She replies "Oh you want me to take the whole bagel off?" "God no, I'm hungry, just the cream cheese...is that less than $5?" She fiddles around with the register and then starts speaking Spanish to the people making my bagel. Somehow I actually understand everything she's saying. Basically she was like "Alright guys, no cream cheese on that one, she doesn't have enough money...[someone replies with how much does she have?] she only has $5..." I stand there giving the side eye hoping that no one around me can understand their Spanish and see what a loser I am. The manager then comes over and basically has to give me a discount of 35 cents so that I can have cream cheese on my bagel. Which was very nice, I do enjoy charity. This is the second time this week something like this has happened to me.
Cut to Monday when I went down to the little convenience store to buy a couple packs gum and maybe a Sour Patch bag or two. The total comes to like $7 so I casually slide her my awesome debit card which I will use for any small amount...and I think its funny (I used it last week for $1.13 purchase). She awkwardly lets me know that they only take cash (who does that?) and so I have to dig through my wallet to scrape up the $6 I had in there. I had to have her take back one pack of gum so that I could afford to get out of there. Awesome.

Heaven.

Bacon, sausage and other crap rolled up in a dough.
(This is why you're fat)

The V-Day love letters have starting pouring in!

"Roses R red

Violets R grey

Special wishes 2 you

on Valentines Day"

"Love Mom and Dad"

Things I learn from Michael

*proceed with caution*
Well a couple weeks ago I learned what the Fleshjack is. Last week was a terrible story involving fecal matter (I'm still not over the mental image). And today (*while sipping on my Jamba Juice with a straw*) Michael described to me in great detail what Shrimping is. Read #3. INappropriate.

My hero has finally trademarked her ingenious catch phrases!

Chris Suave, who created this shirt apparently received a cease and desist letter from the infamous Rachel Zoe because APPARENTLY she trademarked the terms "Bananas" and "I die". I did not know you could trademark words that were already an integral part of the English language, but whatevs. I'm totally going to start doing this even though nothing that comes out of my mouth is original.

This also made my day

An email from Ben to Carrie attaching this picture and saying:
"Go ahead and forward this to Jen....in case she gets lonely at night"

Thanks for always looking out for me Ben.

This made my day

Tim: So I got hit by a car for the second time this weekend
Me: hhahahhahahaha what?
Tim: Ya dude. The first time was like in October while I was on the phone wtih my mom she was like what was that noise? I responded that I had just been hit by car.
her response: "were u jaywalking?"
no mom, and im ok by the way.
This second time was worse. I was like shot up onto the hood. Totally not my fault... the chick said she dropped her phone and wasnt paying attention. I walk into my place and tell Steve, his response: "were u jaywalking?"

My two favorite things together!

Nothing could be better than bacon AND mayo!

Mmmm again another favorite, bacon AND salt. You could put this on ANYTHING.

(Thanks Allyn!)

Andy Bernard is my hero

This has GOT to be Michael as a kid!

AnnaLynn McCord might join Twilight!

So this one might be joining the cast of Twilight (along with Dakota Fanning, Vanessa Hudgens, probably Oprah and god knows who else is rumored to be in the next movie). See I think she's a terrbile actress in 90210, but I love her for some reason. I thought she was a fantastic whore in Nip/Tuck.

Funny fmylife I saw this morning:

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

I wonder how many weddings this song will be the first dance in

Love it.

I'm still laughing

Andy Bernard: [looking in a car window] Trying to see what CD she's got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Ah-ha! Fiest! Yes! [hits the car setting of its alarm] Ah-hhh-hh! [nervously backs up into the car behind him, setting of that alarm too]

...

Andy Bernard: Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult on-set diabetes so, I put Splenda in yours. Let's see, how many did I put in there [starts singing to the tune of Fiest's 1234] 1-2-3-4 Splendas in your coffee Stanley, none in yours Julia, because I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather--
Stanley: Four Splenda? Are you crazy?
Andy Bernard: Well no I actually only put in two but, that's not how the song goes.

This was my day today

I just got the Internet on my computer working (after I read my post, I realized what a stupid comment this was). So this morning, without Internet, I had to be productive. It took Brad and I a good hour and a half to mount these plinths on the wall. It may or may not be due to us both being idiots.
Example:
Me: "Brad, wait are those too close together?"
Brad: "No, I think they're not far enough apart."
...?

This should explain HALF of my family quirks

(Oh look its me dressed as a "little Dutch girl" for Halloween...how fitting)

You Know You're Dutch When... (P.S. my mother sent me this)

-The temperature is so low in your house that 2 sweaters is a bare minimum if you want to be remotely warm. (I am permanently scarred from sitting too close to the fire at home)
-You were green before it was popular. Why recycle when you can just reuse! (And this whole time I just thought that they were cheap?)

-You have a pair a wooden shoes in your house. (I don't want to talk about it)

-You like pickled herring. (Lester does even though he's not Dutch)

-You enjoy chocolate sprinkle (hagelslag) sandwiches. (duh.)

-You have cousins who wear size 14 shoes and are over 6'4" (In Holland, the rest of us got the short genes)

-You wash and reuse plastic cups and plastic cutlery. (must I remind you)

-You have soup and open-faced sandwiches for Sunday lunch. (All I ever want is pizza or something, no more soup!)

-The most frequent phrase uttered growing up was "Turn off the lights!" (oh...only growing up? I still get it)

-You get a chocolate letter every year for Christmas. (While writing this post...I ate it)

-All the tables in your house are covered in tablecloths. (How dumb are tablecloths anyway?)

-You drink tea with breakfast, coffee at 10 am, tea at 3 pm, and coffee again at 8 pm (I do enjoy my tea!)

-You collect coupons like they're going out of style. (Uhhh only when I'm really poor)

-Your Oma had a calendar with everyone's birthdays & anniversaries spelled out in capital letters (bonus points if it hung in the bathroom!) (Its still in the bathroom.)

-You wipe the last of the butter out of the container with your bun (love butter)

-You make the bed in your hotel room. (I have accidentally done this before...multiple times)

-You have lace on your windows but not on your underwear (I don't, but the relatives sure do)

-You've put mayonnaise on your french fries. (mmm heavenly delicious dream)

-You have a spoon collection (Wendy. Oma.)

-Your fridge is always stocked with leftovers. Throw out food? Never! (To this day I hate leftovers because that's all I grew up with)

-Everything is Do-It-Yourself - it's cheaper than hiring someone. (I prefer to outsource...I'm lazy)

-You have to explain what 'om' and 'tante' means when you're discussing your relatives with non-Dutch people.

-You own tea towels and oven mitts patterned with windmills and dancing women in clogs. (The roommates really enjoy them).

(Me in Holland...in wooden shoes...)

These two are starting to annoy me...but I can't stop watching

So I follow Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore on Twitter. And they are REALLY annoying. Ashton- shut up! And Demi barely knows how to Twitter and made Rumer join. Meanwhile Perez keeps replying in and making fun of them, which I enjoy.

Ashton's Twitter yesterday:

@aplusk: last words... for now http://tinyurl.com/cluvhl

@aplusk:this is cracked me up. btw I should hit up VW http://tinyurl.com/ahn7ay about 11 hours ago from web

@aplusk:I usually respond agressively when I feel threatened. about 13 hours ago from TwitterFon

@aplusk:I find it very interesting that the tabloids are posting negative commentary of my twitter opinions Stop reading them if u don't like them about 13 hours ago from TwitterFon

@aplusk:@michael_phelps got your back brother about 21 hours ago from TwitterFon

@aplusk:And now the good news IOC says phelps apology is good enough. Accourding to a UK rueters article about 22 hours ago from TwitterFon

@aplusk:I don't smoke and haven't in quite some time. But I'm not immune to a lapse in good judgement from time to time. about 22 hours ago from TwitterFon

@aplusk:@jeanvpratt there's no such in as private in the days of citizen journalism. The real douche is the idiot that put out the pic about 22 hours ago from TwitterFon in reply to jeanvpratt

@aplusk:He's a good kid. Btw he could be a real douche but he's not. Maybe the media can quit dragging his dick in the dirt. about 22 hours ago from TwitterFon

@aplusk:I'm not saying it was a smart move. But he doesn't need to be publicly outer for it. Who ever put the pic out is an ass! about 22 hours ago from TwitterFon

@aplusk:I bet phelps can smoke a whole bowl in one breath. Swimmers lungs. about 22 hours ago from TwitterFon

@aplusk:I wish the media would kill this Phelps story. God forbid he hit a bong. Go ask your 20 year old kid what they did last weekend. about 22 hours ago from TwitterFon

*Sigh*. I still love it though. Yesterday, Demi even denied the rumors that they were adopting via twitter. I guess that's what we do now?

Wake n' Bacon!!!!

My Birthday is April 29th and if you love me...you know what to get me. This genius invention is a bacon alarm clock! You put a frozen piece of bacon in there at night, and it starts cooking it around the time you wake up! I told you bacon is taking over the world!

(Dlisted/Mathlete)

I enjoy Lady GaGa

Here's her new video for her third single that I really like.

The Winner Stands Alone

Well when I'm not extremely busy watching my shows and wasting away, I read. I used to read a lot more but I swear there just haven't been enough good authors out there lately. I'm weird with what I read, I don't really like "girly" books. I've read my fair share of those Jodi Picoult and Something Borrowed type books, but I usually just feel dead inside afterwards. Some of my favorite authors are Dan Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, J. Maarten Troost and of course Paulo Coelho. I will read anything that will take me somewhere far away, or someone who actually has interesting/intellectual things to say. I started off by reading The Alchemist years ago and of course loved it. Who doesn't? That's one of the only books that I have read multiple times (aside from Roald Dahl's The BFG...when I was a kid, of course...) I've gotten through most of the Coelho books, I'm currently on Veronika Decides to Die which is also really good.
What I'm getting at here is that I read Coelho's blog, and I'm getting excited for the release of his new book The Winner Stands Alone. I guess its release date is April 7th in the US, so get ready!

You can read the Third Chapter here if you're interested.

If you seek Chris Crocker...

...here he is!!! This lady is a DREAM. I want him to be my new best friend.

"Pop is SEX...SEX is Pop!"

Why do I love Chuck Bass?

I spend a good amount of time Monday nights watching my shows. I go from watching Jason on the Bachelor being almost too sweet for his own good. And after that I usually need a good dose of reality from Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl. I LOVE him. And why exactly do I love him? NO idea. Well I do have an idea, he's the typical bad boy- also known as every girls nightmare. If I saw Ed Westwick on the street, I would not be attracted to him at all. In fact it took me multiple episodes to get the full Chuck Bass effect, and its not his looks that got me.
But then if I think about it, I'm not really into bad boys. I've never dated a "bad boy", nor have I really wanted to. So why do I love Chuck Bass?

Perfect quote from the show:
Chuck: Heard about the field hockey throwdown. All those mouth guards and short skirts. I hope somebody filmed it.
Blair: You're heinous.
Chuck: Which is probably why you called.
Blair: You know me well.
Chuck: Women like to pretend they're complicated. I know better.

No arms or legs

Red Cross woman: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No, Rose, they are not breathing. And, they have no arms or legs.
Red Cross woman: No that's not part of it.
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we both resuscitating them? I mean what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would wanna live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How 'bout no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin, you don't do anything.

The only good thing to ever come from Tyra Banks

All my favorites rolled into one video!

(Dlisted)

Your annoying

So I'll admit it- I'm not perfect (I know-its hard to believe). But I HATE it when people can't distinguish between "Your" and "You're." Its to the point where if I see someone do it on their Facebook status, I seriously ponder removing them. I grew up going to a French Immersion school, so I like to pretend that I never really even learned English properly. I was too busy learning that a computer is masculine, and that mice are feminine. I mean is it really necessary to give every object/thing a gender? Anyways, when I wasn't learning French I was learning Canadian. MUCH different than American with their "colour" and "eh?" and "what's that aboot?"
Just today I have already run into two different instances where my Canadian speech impediment came into play. First of all, while unpacking the new office, I was asking where the "cutlery" was. When I say cutlery, I don't just mean the knives. I mean all types of "flatware" or "silverware," whatever you people call it. After 13 years here, I still can't seem to get that one down. A short while later, I was then exploring the Dunkin Donuts downstairs where I was talking about getting a "French Crueller" pronouncing it like "crewler". Apparently I was WAY off and its pronounced "cruhller". Michael and I were arguing over it and the Dunkin lady totally put me in my place.
Long story short, if I can learn the difference between "your" and "you're," you can too.

(Thanks Michael)

My Valentine's Day date

Bacon man! I love him.