It must be true love

I sent this to the BF today:

I received this one back:

This is normal, right?

Marriage!

Here is Kathy Griffin at a proposition 8 protest. She's hilarious and I cannot wait for My Life on the D List to come back on (tied with Flipping Out).

I, myself, am extremely sensitive to the gays, example from a phone conversation last night:

On the phone with my lesbian friend:

Me: Are you scissoring right now?

R: What? No? Bah! Alright but really, its me and my girlfriend's one year anniversary coming up, what should I get her? I went to the mall to get her something... but I ended up buying myself hairspray instead.

Me: I don't know what you people want? Overalls? a ratchet set?

R: She already has one.

Me: A scooter?

R: I want one! I'm not getting her one!

Me: Oh... So are you guys going to get married?

R: Not anytime soon, but we've talked about it.

Me: Have you talked about who will carry the child, or will you both do it like that Cat Cora?

R: Oh I SAW that, isn't she awful? But no, my girlfriend can't have kids... but can you imagine me pregnant?

Me: Absolutely not, can you imagine how expensive your child's nose job will be?

R: Oh I know, right? We'd have to do that early on. PS You should talk.

Touché.

Yes, this is how we talk to each other. She calls me Smigel because of the similarities between our hair... Its love all around.

Divorce!

Well well well. It appears as though the count has been cheating on his countess! LuAnn and her husband are getting a divorce! Maybe he saw how ridiculously arrogant and demeaning she is on RHNY and decided to peace out. I hope that this is a huuuge reality check for her. What I hope more is that Bravo was still filming and we get to see some of this drama unfold.
(Dlisted)

Who doesn't love narcissism?

I can't get enough of Colbert lately.
Hilarious quote right around the 1:38 mark.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Emily Yoffe
comedycentral.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

Best Site EVER (well at least since This is Why You're Fat)

Why the F*** Do You Have a Kid?

(Dlisted)

Why hasn't anyone gotten me this yet?

(It's All About the Bacon)

Adventures at Camp K

So every couple months I head out to the burbs to spend time with the fam. They LOVE when I come home. And by that I mean, Wendy prepares herself for a weekend of constant nagging and annoyance from me. Les just got back tonight from China and Japan for business, and I'm fairly sure he was more excited to Bruise than me. That's pretty standard.

This is my weekend so far:

Friday 7:45pm: In the car minutes from home, Bruiser pukes all over my lap, and then proceeds to have diarrhea on the floor mat of the car. Awesome.

7:49pm: Arrive at "Camp K" while Bruise runs around barking hysterically, the other two dogs (Tori and Amber- yes, I'm aware that they have stripper names) try to avoid him and greet me with dirty stuffed animals.

8:15-10:00pm: Wash my vomit jeans while watching HGtv.

10:15pm: Bed.

Saturday 6:00am: Awake to the sound of Bruiser crying outside my parent's door, trying to wake them up and take him for a walk. Evil.

7:15am: take Bruise to the groomers and debate leaving him there permanently.

7:30am: Take the other 2 dogs for a delightful walk in the park for 15 minutes and I then decide its much too cold to be out there.

8:30am: Reluctantly pick Bruiser up from the groomers. I now like him again that he's clean and has a cute bandanna.

9:00-1:30pm: Shop with Wendy and spend money that I do not have on things that I do not need.

4:30pm: Jay surprises me by coming home to see the fam. I try to get info out of him about girls, he lets me know nothing.

5:30pm: Les returns home bearing gifts! I have a new scent- Hermes Kelly Caleche.

7:15pm: I feel immense RAGE against chocolate companies that do not include a "legend"* with the chocolates. Am I supposed to guess whats in there? No, I don't trust that. I cannot risk getting a gross cherry cordial chocolate. Its almost not worth it... But I can't resist so I risk it and this time I was lucky- caramel and truffle.

7:45pm: Sit down to watch various pirated DVDs from Shanghai.

Then apparently we will be stopping the movie at 8:30 for Earth Hour, per my Dad's demands. I am not sure what we will do for one hour in candlelight while staring at each other. My guess is that he'll plan on falling asleep at 8:31 and leave the rest of us to entertain ourselves.

*What the HELL are these things called? Legend? Map? Diagram? I tried googling it to no avail.

I peed my pants a little

Oh. Thanks for that.

So I finally decided to grace the gym with my presence since I can't actually remember the last time I went there. I arrived to the chaos and quickly remembered why it is that I don't like going. I happened to be wearing the Chicago Sport and Social club t-shirt that I got somewhere for free. So while I'm trying to mount the elliptical and juggle my water, towel and iPod- one of the trainers came up to me and start a conversation about my shirt.
"Soooo what is the Sport and Social club?"
Ugh. I do not have time for this. "Oh, I have no idea- I got the shirt for free"
"Ohhh haha well I was really curious, it sounds cool"
"Yeah...welp I'm sure it is..."
"Well I'm [insert generic boy name] let me know if you ever find out."
mmmkkk. Great conversation about nothing. Good day to you.

18 minutes later, I decide that I've had enough of the elliptical and the gym. Let's be realistic, the only reason I went to the gym was to go tanning as I look like prune. I do a handful of situps and head into the locker room to grab my stuff. While walking up to the desk, I see Brian/John/Mike whatever his name was staring at me with his hands up and a fake confused look.
"What? That was like the SHORTEST workout ever!"
I debated telling him my whole life story as my excuse- how I haven't worked out in a couple months because I spend much of my free time with my new boyfriend and how I had just gotten over what could possibly have been the black lung disease last week and how work has been pretty busy and how I'm in the pre-spring funk etc.
But instead I just said: "Ha yeah, I'm over it...I have to go tanning"
He laughs and gestures towards me while getting this other trainer's attention,
"Sara, she just did like the shortest workout of all time"
Sara replies with "Haha well tanning is important!"
I awkwardly laugh and agree.
Sir. How dare you call attention to my obvious lack of self motivation. I see nothing wrong with an 18 minute "workout." Rude.

Oh she's a Realistic Rita ookaaayyyyy

I know Chris Crocker terrifies most people, and he/she scares me too but I can't stop watching.

Oh this is just unnecessary

Baby Bangs! I'm still not sure if these are a joke or not. Baby Bangs is a "HAIR+band accessory combination allows baby girl's (with little or no hair at all) the opportunity to have a beautifully realistic HAIR style in a SNAP!! It's quick, easy and baby barely knows it's there!"

Seems like an awful lot of work just to pretend that your baby has hair and doesn't look like a boy. Whatever...do you think they make these for adults?

(Source)

Death stare:

This is how Bruise feels towards me being sick. He hasn't seen the light of day since Monday...is that bad? All the little guy wants to do is prance all over my body and in return I scream in pain and heave all 4.5 lbs of him off of me. Worst. Mother. Ever.

Stephen Colbert is a saint.

While I don't usually understand half of the issues Colbert covers in his show, I do enjoy anyone who gets an entire nation to follow an eagle named "Stephen Jr." across the country. This video from the Today Show solidifies my love for him and his ego.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Dirty Whore!

My emotions are torn. My first idea about Gretchen was that she was a giant skank. Then I watched more of the show, saw her with her pepaw and decided that maybe she was genuine after all. Then at the reunion when Tamra called her out, I questioned her yet again. And now after seeing this shit of her with that loser pussy known at Slade Smiley- I am going to spend my day writing her hate mail. Did she miss the entire season of Real Housewives when Slade cried maybe 59 times? And how did she miss Date My Ex, where Slade looked as though he aged a couple decades? I do not want to see either of these two douche bags on the next season (and by that I mean I'll always watch). Dlisted has way more hideous photos of these two.

Its that time of year again :(

So here we are approaching May, meaning its time to find a new apartment! I dread nothing more than apartment hunting and I DETEST moving. Let's take a quick peek at the last couple years of my life in regards to moving which led me toward the hate:


May 2006: Pack my life into 2 suitcases and move down the Club Med in Florida.
*during that year I lived in maybe 2 or 3 different rooms and lived with: Treyanna, then Marie-Eve, then Joey, then Camila, then the ex and I could easily be forgetting people. Its a pretty transient place.

May 2007: Pack my Club Med life into 3 suitcases and head home to good old Illinois.
July 2007: Move into an apartment downtown with the ex. (brilliant idea)
November 2007: Move out of apartment with the ex and into a studio with one window looking at a brick wall for a sublease.
May 2008: Move into a 4 bedroom with my 3 roomies.
And thrown in an entire office move that I had to coordinate at the beginning of this year and that brings us up to speed.
So my roommate Carrie and I are currently doing the apartment hunt game which is awful. No luck yet, so if anyone knows of any good 2 bedrooms in Chicago for a 5/1 lease, let me know!

Illin' it

So I am pretty much dying of the Lupus and/or Scurvy and/or maybe its just the flu. Either way I might be getting bed sores from laying in bed all day. There is nothing on TV, I have managed to watch Over Her Dead Body and The Davinci Code, maybe 2 hours of the Food Channel which was just torture when Ina Garten made maple BACON. And I am now currently watching Ever After- I may need to stop since listening to Drew Barrymore's lisp is driving me bonkers. The only thing that made my day today was this delightfully hilarious Hillshire Farms commercial which I can't get enough of.

Thank God GG is back!

Here's a little spoiler video that basically made my day. And Leighton Meester, hands down, has the best job of all time.

Look who Tweets

My favorite lady Chris Crocker!

Courtney Love?

Ohhhh nevermind, I didn't see the "prune" now I know its MK Olsen. I'm waiting for it to come out that MK is also trying out for New Moon. I could stand to lock myself in a tanning bed until May, but this one really needs to get some color. (Dlisted)

This time last year...

This time last year I was jetting off to DC with Meg to reunite with a couple of my favorites, Cunty Cat and Bridge! It was an amazing blacked out weekend and was actually warm enough to wear a tshirt! I don't think that will be the case this year in Chicago :( Luckily this year my shirt says "Magically Delicious."

Bacon flosssss

Ha! My friend Jessica sent me this link of Bacon Floss along with this email:

"It's a sad day when your name is synonymous with bacon in my head, but such is life."

Fun to look at

I hate...

So The Guardian did a study on top Google searches that start with "I hate..." Turns out I am torn between loving what many people hate and half agreeing with some of them (source).

I Hate...
1. Myself - 17,100,000 (k...)
2. Twilight - 13,600,000 (You will change your minds after seeing this GQ cover!)
3. George Bush - 7,090,000 (eh its over)
4. The Beatles - 5,420,000 (my brother would not be amused to hear this one)
5. Bono - 1,550,000 (I'm sort of over him)
6. Chris Martin - 1,520,000 (I do enjoy Coldplay when I'm depressed, but I don't trust any man skinnier than me)
7. Rachel Zoe - 591,000 (HOW DARE YOU! SHE IS MAGNIFICENT!)
8. Sarah Jessica Parker - 496,000 (I still like her even though she's getting a little long in the teeth...literally and figuratively)
9. Stephen Fowler - 397,000 (I somehow missed this Wife Swap episode but did watch some clips- and when I wasn't laughing, I was almost offended).
10. Madonna - 276,000 (She's outrageous but if I ever saw her in real life, I would chase her down the street and probably cry)

Now I did my own little Google search and these are the top ones that came up:

1) I Hate this part lyrics (I'm over this song already)
2) I Hate the Dark Knight (I thought people liked this movie?)
3) I Hate high school (It was not nearly as bad as middle school)
4) I Hate Breaking Dawn (The only Twilight book with sex in it?!)
5) I Hate college (wtf is wrong with you?)
6) I Hated Hated Hated this movie (Roger Ebert's book...who cares?)
7) I hate Indiana Jones 4 (Everyone did)
8) I Hate High School Musical (How could you hate anything with that closeted raging homo Zac Efron in it?)
9) I Hated Bush before it was cool (k..you win)

I don't know how I feel

So the new iPod shuffle was revealed today. This one is smaller than the last generation shuffle, holds 4GB of music (1,000 songs) and "talks to you." I like how small it is, and that the buttons are now on the headphones, but I don't need my shuffle to talk to me. It tells you what song you're listening to, the artist and from what playlist. I think I can figure out what song I'm listening to as soon as it starts...no? It's priced at $79, and only comes in silver or black. Eh, I don't know- I'm not blown away.

Where have I been?!

So we were watching Chelsea Lately last night and she was telling a story about a group called NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association). So if you're as clueless as I was- this is an organization that wants to "end the extreme oppression of men and boys in mutually consensual relationships." Mmmk, I did not know that this existed. The latest story about them is that they basically have a $10,000 reward out for anyone who will "Shoot Attorney General Andrew Cuomo in the face!" (MSN)
How did I not know that a group like this existed? Everyone at Kitchen Lunch Club knew all about it. And Michael tried to get me to write letters to the prisoners. I will pass on that. I am, however, still debating taking up a hobby writing to these guys.

Real Housewives Assault! And no, it wasn't Kim Zolciak :(

Now this is disappointing. When I found out Kelly Killoren Bensimon was on this season of Real Housewives of New York, I was excited that someone actually remotely d-list famous was on. People have been calling her a tranny and I was like no, she's really pretty. Well this one has gone ahead and assaulted her boyfriend by punching him in the face. She is scary, now that I think about it, she's maybe 8 and half feet tall and has obscenely broad shoulders...

Bumpits...

So late last night while I couldn't fall asleep, this wonderful infomercial came on. Bumpits! "Bumpits™ self gripping leave-in volumizing hair inserts give you instant volume and let you enjoy feeling confident and beautiful, like you just stepped out of a professional salon!!"
I did not know that all the self confidence I needed was in a hair bump. I really want FAB hair so I was seriously tempted into these. However, I seriously do not have enough hair to even cover the "mini Bumpits."

CHALLAH BITCHES!

I almost died laughing at this last night. God I love her.

How bacon is made!

I doubt you want to see how exactly bacon is made, but I needed to know where my love was born. Its kind of gross, but nothing could stop me from enjoying the deliciousness that is bacon. The only thing that bothered me was the woman throwing out the "not up to par" pieces of bacon at the end. Lady! How dare you!

(It's all about the Bacon)

loser.

I know everyone is posting about this today, so I may as well chime in.
1) Background story: I was contacted by a casting producer for this show to have me on. It went so far as us talking on the phone a couple times and I asked her all about the show etc. They don't pay you a cent, don't do hair/makeup anything, you have to be available for 6 weeks off of work, etc. I almost applied and then decided that I was too lazy to send in a video and pictures etc. I just don't care that much. I imagine that if I had have gotten on, I would have been beyond awkward. But either way, this is probably why I was so obsessed with this season. We loved Jason after the Bachelorette (who didn't) so we did stalk out his work phone number just to call it. What? Not weird at all.
2) I already knew the ending. I found out a few weeks ago who "wins" and then a couple weeks ago there were the rumors about him picking one and then changing his mind. This did not change the fact that I was DYING last night.
3) I didn't like Melissa at first- she was too bubbly, but she grew on me.
4) How WEIRD was last night?!? First of all, what a fucking loser. He cried maybe 59 times last night and I just couldn't stand it any longer. You should cry, because you're an ass.
5) There is nothing I enjoy more than checking out his Myspace and all of the crazies giving their opinions about the show. I've checked it this whole season and people are hilarious. I mean there are people supporting him fully, there are people who are pissed, some blame ABC for everything. Its hilarious! "Leave Jason alone!" and "I am sooo disappointed in you, Jason!" Meanwhile he's down about a thousand friends on Myspace- don't ask how/why I know this.
6) Now my whole night is going to be spent waiting for the After the Final Rose Part 2.
7) I am positive that ABC will approach Melissa to have her on as the next Bachelorette. But I really wonder if she would actually go through with that? I sort of feel like she would make the decision not to- but in the end I'll bet she does it with a bunch of stipulations.

Sorry about my rant, I just love what a loser he is.

Not another one!

Are you sitting down for this one? Brody Jenner and his Playmate girlfriend, Jayde Nicole have broken up :( I know... how could this possibly happen?
(Star)

This one is still awful.

Its no secret that I do not enjoy Scarlett Johansson. And after seeing He's just not that into you this weekend, I am even more secure with my decision of hating her. And yes, that's why I posted the ugliest, wonky eyed picture of her that I could find. Why exactly do people like her again?

Overall, the movie was exactly what I expected and I liked all the big names in it. Justin Long is pretty great, although what he ever saw in Drew Barrymore is beyond me. My Dad gave me He's just not that into you the book for Christmas a few years ago when it first came out. I decided not to read it because I thought that he was implying something by giving me a book with that title. "But dad...I have a boyfriend...and he REALLY likes me!" (I'm sure we broke up a day and half later). Plus (it took me a while) but I think I figured out that whole if he doesn't show interest in you, then he doesn't like you type thing. Stop laughing.

Girl, please.

So I read the rumors a few days ago that these two were "reconciling" in Miami. And here they are landing into LAX all sneaky, early this morning (TMZ). All I'm going to say is- I do not feel bad for her at all. Who does that?